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Hope
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"I think the shape of hope changes. When you are
young and healthy, you think it means a long bright future.
When you are faced with an illness like this, you realize
the things you hope for are more about today: Will I get
to see the birds building their nest? Will I have a pain-free
day? Will I get to see someone I love?"
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In the context of serious illness,
one’s greatest fear is that the condition will be fatal.
Feelings of hopelessness are common—and a life without
hope is grim indeed. The challenge of terminal illness is to
learn to live with dying, to find purpose and meaning even in
the face of a limited future. Without purpose, you risk the
death of emotions while you are still alive. Even if a condition
is incurable, it is possible to have hope. It’s simply
that your definition of hope must change.
With terminal illness, a person’s
focus shifts from long-term goals to the here and now. You may
have noticed how the characteristics of hope have been changing.
Before the diagnosis, you might have hoped you had a simple
problem that might even go away. After the diagnosis you might
have hoped for a cure. As time progresses, and if a cure appears
unlikely, the nature of your hopes will continue to change.
You might instead hope to survive to see a grandchild born,
attend a wedding, or be visited by a sibling. You may look forward
to a favorite food or hope for a day with energy or a day without
pain.
Along with this shift in the quality
of hope, many people with terminal illness describe a renewed
sense of appreciation of life and its simple pleasures. As such,
you may find joy in a sunset and hope for a resplendent display
at day’s end. You may hope for the birds to come play in
the bird bath or for the chance to listen to a favorite, soothing
piece of music. As you learn to live with dying, you are given
the opportunity to become more fully alive in the present moment.
You may come to measure your days in terms of the quality
of life rather than its quantity.
True, as the disease progresses,
you may not have much stamina and may not be able to fulfill
the roles you have handled in the past. However, there is still
much to live for. Even the dying have tasks to complete. Borrowing
from the work of Ira Byock,
author of "Dying Well," those tasks can be described
as follows: |
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- Completing one’s worldly affairs. This might
include arranging your finances,
writing an advance
directive, and making closure with the circle of
people and institutions outside your ring of intimate friends
and relations.
- Coming to terms with the meaning
of one’s life. You may wish to write a review
of your life or dictate it to a friend or hospice volunteer.
This is an opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate your
accomplishments.
- Forgiving oneself. In the course of a lifetime,
all of us will have made mistakes. During your life review,
you may identify things you can yet do to make amends and
allow yourself the grace of forgiveness for what you cannot
change about the past.
- Resolving personal relationships.
In making closure in your intimate circle, you may need
to ask for forgiveness from some or extend forgiveness to
others. When faced with the possibility of never seeing
each other again, we often recognize that the relationship
is more important than any grudges that have developed over
the years.
- Accepting the truth of our interdependence. Self
sufficient as we like to be, the fact is we all need each
other. None of us is an island. In the course of living,
most likely we have helped others. In the course of life’s
end, we most likely will need help ourselves. An important
lesson in the final weeks and days is to learn to be dependent
and accept help, to draw your dignity from areas other than
your ability to do everything on your own.
- Approaching transcendence. As people prepare to
die, they often find solace in spirituality
and the concept of a Being or Entity larger than themselves.
Many come to an understanding of the fundamental unity of
all life as well as a gratifying feeling that they will
be merging with this larger Essence.
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Although not everyone will go
through these steps of letting go, these individual actions
can remind us that there is more to dying than just the passing
of the physical body. People given the honor of caring for a
terminally ill person often find that witnessing this letting-go
process is illuminating for their own personal lives. It brings
up important questions about living; for instance, "Why
wait until I am dying to extend forgiveness?" and "Why
put off until tomorrow those things that truly have meaning
to me, for I could die at any moment?" Coping with a terminal
illness calls all involved to reexamine their priorities. Rather
than resign to a hopeless no-man’s land of despair, patients
and family caregivers often discover that the last few months
can be filled with deep love, growth, and grace. |
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This website was created by the Grand
Island Coalition for End of Life Care, a community organization dedicated
to improving end of life care through education, advocacy and support. We
gratefully acknowledge the generosity of KDSI for
their donation of webhosting services. Site design and layout created by Let's
Collaborate! |
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